just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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