My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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