HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
