from now on my penis is your penis
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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