Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
