even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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