$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
