I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
