just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
