Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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