just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Boobs are out for the taking
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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