Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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