I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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