My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
