Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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