Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
