I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm really busy with my period
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