I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dicks are not precious.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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