My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
