I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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