Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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