my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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