My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
