I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
4 words: hood of his car
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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