I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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