The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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