We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I fill condoms, not promises.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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