i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
