If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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