my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
