Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
