I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
