you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
