drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
