She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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