my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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