happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
