You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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