i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
