I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
