okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
