I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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