I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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