Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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