Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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