I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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