I think I am morally bankrupt
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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