I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
