My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
