if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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