I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
