And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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